NUScollective

wtf?

2009-11-19T18:22:00.000-06:00

2009-08-10T22:52:00.001-05:00

nuscollective.com/blog

the site will be 100% soon

2009-07-21T23:52:00.006-05:00

Ernie Booms Productions

photos/Travis Tait

Flaming Ford

2009-07-08T23:48:00.004-05:00

Photos/TravisTait

How does a Ford Windstar burn in front of a camera store and nobody gets a picture?

I caught the aftermath, but I wanted fire.

2009-06-11T01:00:00.003-05:00

You're Just Not a Dude

2009-06-08T17:01:00.003-05:00

So I'm quite positive everyone who is reading this has been hungry at some point in their life. To a point when you feel more easily agitated. Trivial things that happen piss you off, and it's easier for you to flip out and throw a little bit of a temper tantrum. Now not that I've tried, but I'm sure it's the same when you're quitting smoking. Similarities surface in women when they are facing their inevitable 28 day ventures, but I don't know if it's the same, I'm not a woman. However, I am certain that the same rising aggravation is installed directly into mens brains when they feel a lack of sexual release. You know, when they haven't cum. Everyone's a cummer. Noone's broken. For you women who think you are, you're fine, you just haven't experienced great oral sex as of yet. But when you see a guy out murdering people or raping young church boys, it's probably because he just really needs to cum. So the next time your boyfriend flips out because you asked him what type of sandwich meat he'd like on his bagel you should probably just suck a dick.

Hot Dog eating contest at the Mansion

2009-06-04T11:32:00.008-05:00

Winner took home a very fine ship kindly donated by TJ. He ate 12.5 dogs in 20min. Runners up ate 12. Sadly Nobody puked.

Gangsta as fuck

2009-05-29T11:23:00.004-05:00

This guy is the real deal. Fohawk with orange tips, scarf (its 17c outside), baggy jeans, plaid shirt, lanyard, chain wallet, fake diamond earing, chongo chrome sunglases, ONE BLACK GLOVE. And the most badass attitude.

To bad his MOM was paying for his passport pictures. Probably the glove to.

I Also Hate Downtown

2009-05-14T03:23:00.004-05:00

I made it to a bus stop on Graham Avenue near the MTS Centre a few minutes earlier than expected one night. It was about 1:00 or 1:30am on a weekday and I was catching one of the last busses heading in the general direction of my abode. Not that it really matters what day of the week it was, because I'm sure innocent passersby get nailed by 2x4's or shived with a broken bottle as frequently on weekdays as on weekends in classy downtown Winnipeg.

I was pacing back and forth as I usually do at late night bus stops, partly to fight boredom and partly to look intimidating enough to deflect any predatory psychos, as I was approached by a horrid looking gentlemen.

"Hey... hey guy... you know how to fight?" said the dope, clearly to me.

"Pardon me?"

"You a good fighter?" he repeated with the drawl of a person that had been drinking for hours.

"Ah, no. Not really." I replied, as I picked up my skateboard with two hands and wielded it like a broadsword.

"We gotta underground fight in that parking lot over 'dere," said the burly hobo.

"No, thanks, I won't be joining that," I interjected. "I've gotta go."

The goon stumbled a bit, mumbled something incoherent, took a step towards me and then quickly backwards as he spun around and took off after someone else shouting their name. Or shouting a name that wasn't theirs at all, which seems more likely.

And that children is how I almost became a member of Drunken Homeless Native-American Underground Parking Lot Fight Club, or how I almost got stabbed.

-Sheen Sayer

Poser

2009-05-11T09:39:00.004-05:00

Im such a loser when it comes to Skateboarding. Put man i can make a tail stall look good out of a old dryer.

Photos by/ James Wall

Air

2009-05-08T11:32:00.002-05:00

Since when do you have to pay for air? While driving the other day i picked up a nail in my tire. So i go to get some air. When i get to Petro Canada the air hose now has a huge box attached to it and it wants $1 to blow some air into my tire. Is the recession making companies crazy? Sure it costs money to buy the compressor but its a service you offer to the customer and maybe they will buy a over priced chocolate bar inside your store. Instead i'll pay the buck and piss on the side of your building.

2009-05-04T17:13:00.006-05:00

There's a first time for everything, and i mean everything.

Tripping out on a psychedelic drug is one thing. But having a gnarly trip, getting a cash reward and then marked a hero seems like pure fate. This guy had it all, not to mention the story that has proved once and again good things come in all forms.

Kicking back in rural Manitoba, it was an average night with infinite possibilities- boys’ night in the country at a local’s house-but this time an ounce of mushrooms hit the mix. The prairie air was calm though the anticipation to drop the zoomers was building. Dusk set in and unlike regular nights the boys could feel one another’s energy as they choked down the foul-tasting fungi, hardly noticing its compelling stench amid their excitement.

Time crawled until the first sign of unusual ambiance, then BAM suddenly Jason started tripping. Getting high was the mission but his trip was too steep, far beyond comfort. The striped earth-toned wall paper was scrolling as if it were an old fashioned movie projector spinning out of control. He struggled to keep a steady focal point but was convinced that the couches were not the same couches he and his friends had sat on moments before; nothing was the same to him. He had crossed the threshold to another dimension, a place he knew was a reality but rarely had access to. Tonight all he wanted to be was himself again, unaware and back to normal. Jason insisted it was crucial for him to get home immediately. He was severely intoxicated, so he knew the only feasible way home was to walk. The dilemma was that the only way home was the highway. From within their own hallucinations, his friends attempted to retain him within the basement walls, but Jason would not have it. Overcome with claustrophobia and uneasiness he stormed out of the house and into the night.

What seemed like moments later, Jason's companions received a phone call from a very disturbed Jason in his climax, “There is a fucking gnome following me home! I swear to God a fucking gnome!”

Jason's friends replied, “No man, you're just tripping, keep walking make it home ignore the gnome, don't look back it's not really there.” Jason would not accept the fact that the gnome was a figment of his imagination and eventually the phone call ended without agreement. Jason continued his walk, perpetually leering and dodging into shadows, covering his tracks. Finally he couldn't handle it anymore, the gnome was persistently skulking in his wake, and no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't shake him. In his drug-induced paranoia, he decided to pick the gnome up, both to put an end to the gnome’s pursuit and to prove to his friends of it’s existence.

Approximately two hours later Jason arrived home at last. He cautiously made his way up the gravel drive and anxiously unlocked the door. His goal was to quietly reach the second floor without dropping the creature or making any noise. Lacking balance he stumbled up the stairs one foot at a time, clutching the gnome. His room felt safe and peaceful. His futon looked inviting, and he embraced the atmosphere. Still high, he decided to securely place the gnome in his closet, but not without proper provisions. He challenged the stairs once more, this time for a bowl of milk. Sketchy and exhausted, he entered his bliss once again, setting the bowl of milk in the closet for his new found friend.

Satisfied, Jason closed the closet door and fell into bed. He woke up late in the afternoon the next day rubbing his stomach, which had extreme gut rot. Ignoring it, he carried on with his morning ritual. While trying to piece together the previous night, he pried himself out of bed, brushed his teeth, and washed his face. He entered into his room again, he laid back on his bed observing his surroundings, simply trying to relax, and scanning his environment he heard something coming from the closet. As he sleuthed, he sensed this would play an essential role to remembering last night's events. He walked taking deep breaths with each footstep until his closet. The curiosity was increasing, Jason was experiencing deja view. Carefully he turned the knob to the door not knowing what he would find. He peeked into the small crevasse slowly pushing the door, little by little. He caught a glimpse of something, something that seemed to be flesh colored. “Shit” he thought to himself. He quickly closed his eyes, “OK...one...two...three” he opened them with hesitance. He gasped! Sitting there in his disbelief was a curled up child! Jason could not comprehend it at all. He contacted the authorities to assess the quandary he was now in. Evidently the child who was currently in Jason's closet was a local child with down syndrome who had been missing, roaming the highway for days. The parents had put out a search party using all of their resources trying to find their boy. The parents were so grateful that they bestowed a large award up on Jason. One would wonder what interlocked this odd pair and caused this chain reaction of random occurrences. Whatever it truly was, it was meant to be. A great payoff for a night he can hardly remember, could life get any better? We didn't think so, ALTHOUGH I STILL HAVEN'T TOLD YOU THE BEST PART OF THE STORY... The bowl of milk was gone.

By:votham anastasiadis

Revenge is sweet...

2009-04-23T14:19:00.002-05:00

The Scheme

Today i've formulated a plan to squench the deepest revenge from my earliest youth. I've taken a vow in writing to avenge this wrong, and now i've thought of how i'm going to do it.

So i have this friend. I've known her since grade one, she lived on my street, we go back, etc. Now one day, me and my friend Adam are walking around what is now the old hood. We were in about grade seven or eight. And we wanted cake. So we went to this friends house, and asked her if she had any. She said:

No.

We said:

C'mon. You have cake

No.

Yes.

NO.

yes...and on and on.

We waited for a while outside her house to ambush her, but we got bored and went home to have no cake.

It was only later that we found out about the treachery. As soon as we were out of sight, she went inside and ATE CAKE! I seem to remember some evil laughing on her part.

So here comes the revenge. We left a not so subtle hint in our student council year book page about collecting with interest. And i've found the interest. She's going to get married one day, odds on for her current boyfriend whom is a friend of mine also and a rad guy to boot.

When they get married, me and Adam are going to steal the wedding cake. Thus my revenge will be complete.

Sweet 16

2009-04-23T14:18:00.000-05:00

The Reason I'm Going To Be Left Out Of the Will

(The Story of My Sweet 16)

I was babysitting at my aunt and uncles one evening, and by chance i see a strange drawing on the fridge. Looking closer, it's me, or a crude drawing thereof (actually, it was a pretty good caricature). It was strange, and i almost walked away, but something drew me closer. It was an invitation to my !6th Birthday. The wheels started turning. I didn't tell my uncle and aunt me knowing. That would have given up my advantage.

So the day before the surprise, or maybe it was the day of, i unleash the plans on my friends, Dusitn and Adam. It must have been the day of, because i remember they were both taking me out and 'hanging' for a day while the house was getting prepped. I have to admit, it was fun watching them squirm a little everytime i talked about needing to go back home, etc.

Finally i broke the charade, turned to Dustin and said:

"So's how about my birthday?"

Dustin completely froze for a second. I told him i knew the whole thing, and that i had a plan. Dustin would dress in my clothes; a hoody which i had worn specifically for that reason, my shoes, glasses (prescription, and only pair), and pants.

Adam was driving, so he dropped me off at the top of the street, and drove to my house, like he was supposed to. Meanwhile i raced down the back lane in my underwear, without my glasses. I snuck in the backdoor, standing right behind a few members of my family as they watched what they thought was me enter the front door.

When Dustin got to the front door, my dad was ready with the camera, to take a picture of my surprise face. He got Dustin instead. So while my dad was pumping white hot rage at my friend, i watched from the kitchen. Dustin was desperately trying to explain himself without giving me away, god bless him. And just when someone was about to say something and break the mood, i yell out

SURPRISE!!!

The party was great, but i don't think my dad ever quite got over it.

Thanksgiving

2009-04-23T14:16:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving

"I was staying over at a girlfriends house for Thanksgiving. Not like her house, but her parents. So i'm sleeping in her room, and she's sleeping on the couch, with the parents placing themselves strategically in between. The Trap was that the bathroom was on the other side of her parents room, so i had to walk past their door, on their creaky floor, to use the bathroom, and probably wake them up. Them being protective of their daughter, i just didn't want to face that interrogation in the morning.

The rub was that i had drank a lot of beer that evening, and hadn't gone yet. But no way in hell was i walking by that door. So i lift up the window, and start going. I realize that there is a screen there, but it's too late. So i try putting some force behind it to make it through the screen.

This fails. There is a good amount of backsplash, and it's all over the floor, and dripping on the screen. So i pick up a throw pillow and mop up the mess, which is why i bought her parents a Sham-Wow for christmas. In the morning i went outside and there was a big yellow spot in the snow that i covered with snow.

That girl is no longer my girlfriend.

Earth Day

2009-04-23T14:15:00.001-05:00

Earth Day

What did you do for Earth Day?

Sample responses: " i made love to mother earth"

"I smoked half as much reefer(?).

"i didn't dump four gallons of motor oil in the gutter....I also recognized captain planet as a childhood hero."

"I planted a seed in your sister. Watch it grow!"

"i reused napkins at work."

"Didn't wear clothes and cleaned up garbage.."

For Earth Day, I didn't do much in the way of helping use less energy and live cleaner. I did feel guilty about watching tv though. But only cause there was crap on. One friend assumed i had made some kind of plans myself, like i threw a party or something. But i did end up watching the BBC doc. Planet Earth. And it made me realize something.

That something was how eerily like a vast mega computer the earth actually is, that there are patterns in the stampeding Wildabeest, and waterfalls that have no business being there by conventional laws of physics, and other things strange and wonderful that are working in harmony for some greater good. The Hitchhikers Guide was not only incredibly witty and entertaining, but oddly prophetic as well. We are all coming closer as a culture to an understanding that we are a part of the earth, not some alien beings outsourced. We are a part of the program.

The problem with all this earth stuff is that most people can't see the big picture, and that is this; that the earth is infinitely more complex than we are capable of understanding, because we are not in a position to see it all at once, and see how it is all operating at a moment. Which is why i'm not worried about the planet earth, i'm worried about us.

The world was floating around and doing it's calculations long before we arrived on the scene, and will continue to do so. Just like a virus won't make the whole computer spontaneously catch fire, we won't do the same to our planet. In essence that is what we've become; a nice little program that's become a virus. And because we are a virus in such a sophisticated computer engine, the engine is soon going to find a way to get on with it's business without us. Everything we are doing to the environment we are first and foremost doing to ourselves, even if we don't realize it. If we were wiped off the face of the earth, the earth would still be there. So before it's too late, lets make ourselves useful instead of what we have been doing in our ignorance, become more of a hassle than we are worth.

Basically we have to learn how to work with the system, instead of trying to control the system, because in the long run it's going to be the system that wins out.

The Car Wash

2009-04-23T13:08:00.001-05:00

When a bunch of naked guys with bonners form 2 lines and spin around in circles and you have to run thru without getting slapped with a wiener.

Sharks

2009-04-21T20:08:00.008-05:00

Stay out of the water

If sharks can smile a drop of blood from a 100 metres away, it's no wonder so many people get eaten or bit by sharks at the beach. So Girls for one week a month stay out of the water, for all our sake.

http://www.swimatyourownrisk.com/2008/08/28/another-shark-bite-at-new-smyrna-2/

2009-04-14T17:05:00.002-05:00

The Following is an exert from actual thesis paper:

"Evolutionary Process and it's culmination in city planning and architecture"

Life has found footholds in every crevice on our planet. Random mutation is given it's opportunity to thrive only if the habitat is fertile enough to cultivate it, and is specific to the life type. If there is carbon in the atmosphere, then there will evolve a carbon using life form. Life exists in the greatest depths of the ocean and at the highest peaks. In short, life finds a way.

I propose to develop the evolutionary process to it's logic conclusion in architecture and city planning, and it's effects on mutational patterns in specifically hedgehogs.

Environment is so influential in the evolution of species, indeed mutation is a product of environment. Humans are the only species to affect it's own environment on such a grand scale. We have come to design buildings not only for purpose but for beauty as well. And it is through this that we will come to aid evolutionary mutation. Cities in the future will be designed with great swooping structures and various handholds and speed ramps. This will facilitate human vehicles, but will provide a new habitat for a new species to occupy this new environment.

I predict that new and rapid mutations will occur in the hedgehog sub-species in parallel with advancements and innovations in city planning and architecture.

The first arguement in favour of this evolution is...."

It goes on.

GI

2009-04-09T19:42:00.004-05:00

Photos by Travis Tait

Gi Joes provided by Texas Lee

I hate downtown

2009-04-08T11:36:00.002-05:00

10am: Old guys walks into Don's Photo and says he "PEED" himself. Turns to the door then walks back in looks at me with a smile and says "I just soiled myself" then walks out of the store.
11:30am: Old black guy comes in, no teeth, mubbles some shit to me. Takes off his backpack takes a cooler out, takes a bag out of the cooler, and out of the bag comes a rusted(maybe bloody) set of head trimmers covered in hair and says he bought this here. I told him we sell cameras and he didin't buy it here. He trys to hand it to me to fix. I stepped back to keep a buffer between me and the death clippers. I told him to go to the Bay and bug them.

Snow Blow

2009-04-01T11:30:00.002-05:00

April fools, or Christmas? Snow storm in Arpil, fuck off. Winnipeg is wierd.
Lets all get on a boat and follow the flood water until we hit the North Pole, I hear it's nice this time of year.

MY top fives of good and bad; Stealing canoes is a great canadian pass time

2009-03-29T12:47:00.004-05:00

GOOD

1. not walking in snow ( smooth walking feels like buttery sex)

2. naps (fuck yeah i got nothing to do, put buffy the vampire slayer on and sleep)

3. not paying for food (even though your friend is paying it feels like you're giving the middle finger to the man)

4. giving the middle finger (so liberating like walking naked down Broadway)

5. full batteries on my ipod (sorry i ain't talking to you,I'm singing Counting Crows)

BAD

1. paying for drugs (legal or not its no fun, to try to have fun)

2. STDs (seriously nobody needs that shit)

3. Americans (they think they are so special, whatever dude)

4. bandannas tied to your wrist (man you look so stupid dude, hurry nickleback is playing)

5. my impatience (I fucking hate waiting to eat kraft dinner)

bonus for good and bad

6. hot girls (I'm not into you so don't think you're dope, I'm so into you)

Scams

2009-03-25T11:30:00.002-05:00

One day i was driving home behind a school bus. We pull up to a stop light, just as the bus starts to roll a kid throws a bottle at my car. I flipped, busted a U-bar and followed the bus. All the kids on the bus were looking out the back at me and i pulled my hand across my neck to show i meant business. They all started to point to the kid who did it. Ya I'm scary! When the bus stopped i talked to the driver and he told me to call the school the next day. I talked to the kids parents and they were more than happy to pay for the dent in my hood. The dent was already there and the kids bottle did nothing to my car. But they didn't know that! $150 for me. Ass whopping for the kid.
T-Bagels

Bum-Hole

2009-03-24T16:13:00.002-05:00

There is this guy i know, we'll call him Ron. Ron has a twisted history. When he was in elementary school he stole another friends stuffed animal, tore a hole in it, and humped it. With the other friend in the room. And he jerked off in class. I think he might have even wiped the spoof on the teachers back. And he would go around and stick his finger in his bum and then put his finger on your mouth. "Bum-hole!" He used to chase kids around and throw bees nests at them. The moral of this story...there is not moral. Just a messed up individual.

The Bride of Chucky

2009-03-22T15:59:00.002-05:00

One weekend (it might have even been a weekday, it was a pretty good summer in that way), we were hanging out on my bus and my friend brought out this girl that he works with. One thing you should know about this guy, is that he has no game. He actually has anti-game. Women want him desperately, but for whatever reason he won't seal the deal. So he has this girl out, and she is pretty naive, so we get into this story about how my other friend and my sister are all actually related because our grandparents had a psychedelic orgy back in the fifties. We were also incestuous, and had to go to IAA (Incestuous Acts Anonymous). And she believed it. We also got her to take off her pants, which she was pretty willing to do. So we were all having a secret laugh about our little joke, and there is Chuck, avoiding eye contact with this girl in her underwear that wants him to lick whip cream off her inner thigh. My sister and friend leave the bus for a bit, and i start reminiscing about how we are each other's uncles and brothers and weaving some twisted and bizarre tale when my sister and friend jump on the hood of the bus and start mock drunk-fuckin enough to shake the whole bus. The girl was more than a little shaken, and i think i suffered a concussion laughing so hard i hit my head on the corner of the bench. And this was before we got into the caesars.

NUS Fundraiser Pictures

2009-03-16T10:48:00.019-05:00

S.O.B

2009-03-14T08:27:00.002-05:00

i just woke up in Brandon. As frightening a preposition as that might be, i'm at S.O.B., and it's breakfast now. I woke up watching Treehouse TV, and someone had decided to keep the air conditioner on. The whole event smells distinctly of escapades. More to follow.
n.

There is a cold literary figure roaming winnipeg...

2009-03-12T13:36:00.003-05:00

I was driving downtown yesterday and saw a touque laying on the middle of the road. Of course my first thought was that someone had melted into the road, leaving behind only the hat, like in Roger Rabbit. Or that someone's head must be cold right now. And i kept on driving. Later on, i was driving downtown yet again, and saw a glove. Now the creepy similarities came together in my brain, and i realized that Where's Waldo was lost in our downtown area, dropping little bits around as clues as he went. I haven't found the Wizard Whitebeard, but i saw a homeless guy that could have passed, althought i don't think the wizard would have smelled as much like listerine. Be on the lookout, fellow Waldo-watchers, he walks among us.

NUS Fundraiser Tonight

2009-03-12T10:45:00.001-05:00

9pm at The Pyramid Cabaret. You're Going!
Texas Mickey of Vodka
Hand made long board
Mustaches
need i say more

A Priest, Rabbi and Joe Pesci Walk Into A Bar

2009-03-08T21:33:00.002-05:00

I went to the bar "Stereo" last night. That line sums up that this story is going to be fucking retarded.

We pull up and the line isn't that long, but they tricked me and were only letting people in through VIP. So after an hour of waiting and watching dozens of shitty looking portugese dudes and assholes in Affliction gear get into the bar with no wait, we finally get in. I walk through the metal detector then the biggest lesbian bouncer pulls my hat off my head and says "no hats allowed on while in the bar". Are you fucking joking? It's a hat, I needed to cover up my ratnest... Not everybody can pull of the Ski-jump gelled hair. Maybe all the douchebags in the bar could, it would match well with their barbed wire tattoos, along with their puffy tongued DVS and Osiris shoes.

But I digress. Walking through the bar, I saw him. A person I had never met, but just by looking at him and hearing him talk, I knew I've never hated somebody as much as I hated this asshole. Puffy Jamaica colorway Ipaths, cargo pants, Lil' Wayne shirt, flame tattoos on both arms. a gold chain necklace and the gayest looking bleached fauxhawk to top off this miraculous kit. Looking at him, the only thing I could say to myself was "this guy just REALLY doesn't get it." It was even more obvious that he didn't when his opening line on some girl was "Hey baby you need a fuckin drink or what?"

I need to stop writing this because even thinking about him is annoying me.

-TJ

SNOW IN WINNIPEG?????

2009-03-07T20:29:00.004-06:00

So snow was in the peg yesterday, he started selling tickets for 25 bucks a piece but by showtime ticks were two for 10 bucks. That should have been an indication of the quality of show we were about to see. Well it was, there was about 100 die hard snow fans at blush so it was pretty bare. So snow hits the stage at 12 and by 12:10 he still had not actually sang a lyric from one of his 2 hits. They kept looping this bullshit beat from some Jamaican hot jam. then he bolts to a door behind the stage and goes to portage avenue.once people sorta begin to boo he returns to loop the same bumbuclut track for 3 minutes. Once we were into the first jam it fully fuckin sucks, he had the worst stage presence just sorta pacing looking down and shouting some bullshit no one could understand. he played informer and some other unrecognisable tracks. he was on stage for about 45 minutes then bolted to the "vip". The VIP was just the upstairs of blush that was roped up by chongo security guards. He had some security duder limiting people to one picture, it was basically just a shabby meet n greet. This basically concluded the worst bullshit concert I've ever attended. The only highlight of the night was some random dude walking into Denny's with a street pylon on his head and yelling at the waitress. Thanks snow for a wonderful evening BEAT IT.....Gilbotron

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Icb_tRTnA4g

Yeti

2009-03-02T14:58:00.003-06:00

It was +5 outside in Fernie

when this yeti vest walks into the local

skate shop/mexican diner/lowlife hangout.

It took a few moments to realize that no, i have not just encounted sasquatch.

She was no doubt a woman from calgary visiting her vacation property.

I couldnt even finish my fucking burrito.

A Word of Warning

2009-03-02T11:20:00.003-06:00

I am a product of the lowest common denominator, the result of a percolating experiment to override all things that science and humanity has gifted to the world. I am not disfigured, at least not on the outside. But i am certainly different on the inside. You have seen me, i have probably served you beer at a bar, or pumped your gas. You know me, and those like me, but you don't know my story. I am a countryfest baby.

I believe if Darwin or Kinsey had ever been to Countryfest, their thoeries or sex and species might have greatly changed. Countryfest is a place where basic math breaks down, like a black hole for numbers and other sensible thoughts. It was in this mess that i was concieved.

And now i am secretly shunned by soceity. Oh, society doesn't know that it is hating on me, but it talks about me behind my back to my face. But this isn't the worst of it, because i must deal with an even greater foe. This enemy is the Han Solo to my Chewie (you know a Wookie is never going to get the girl), the Lancelot to my, i dunno, like some squire or something...The Folkfest baby. The Folkfest baby can walk proudly down the street, where i must mask myself.

But one day, we will meet, on a great hill ro field maybe, and we will all confront each other messed outside our heads on our chosen 'weapons', and dance naked until the following dawn. Then we'll see what's what.
n.

The NUSmanifesto

2009-03-02T11:08:00.002-06:00

We are a revolutionary front powered by late night binge-thinking, for the purpose of exposing our friends and enemies as frauds and bastards, a platform for the exploitation of talent for talents sake, i.e. non-profit, to shed some light on fringe society until we all die of syphyllis, which is a horrible name for a child, by the way.

First nose picker

2009-03-01T13:46:00.001-06:00

possible cover?

what do you think

2009-02-26T23:12:00.003-06:00

If you haven't tried 2 Robaxacet and a Joint then you haven't relaxed. This little number will have you chill and laughing in no time. Enjoy!

2009-02-26T17:51:00.003-06:00

I went to the mall the other day,

No one was happy....it must have something to do with it being filled with shitty merch

-D

2009-02-26T17:47:00.001-06:00

Rob either sucks good pussy or is a pussy

either way,

Im down with Rob

-D

2009-02-26T16:31:00.003-06:00

MY world is not shared by anyone, i don't know my neighbors. I drive my car to work, alone! Red lights are chance to look at all the other people in their own bubbles getting them from a to b. I work in a cubicle with my only friend lenny the macbook until five when i go home in my bubble and watch tv till i fall asleep.

My doctor gave me pills to "cure" my depression...how did North America become so self centered and alone....(gulp)....I just swallowed all my pills, i hope in hell people will notice im there....

The intent of this story was to make you aware that north america has lost touch with human interaction. Talk with someone you dont know today, explore the relationship that blossoms in you from this interaction. Your heart will feel the warmth from the smiles and kindness of others. Much love to all -D

Meet Bill

2009-02-26T15:55:00.003-06:00

Bills icy cold eyes, scabbed forehead and sleeves covered in mucus made it obvious that life was tough. My 10-15 minutes with him were not spent listening to terrible things, just acts of kindness he encountered from time to time.

Its hard to believe, in a country with such wealth and opportunity, Bill has nothing...

Where is the Love Canada??

-D

Taxi Driver

2009-02-25T13:05:00.005-06:00

"How much to get to the centre...? Seven Bolivianos? Alright, lets go!"
So I get in the cab, and ya it was sketchy with it's hand-painted "TAXI" decal, and lawn chairs for seats... But it was Bolivia, all the taxis were like this!
Unfortunately this one was a little more sketchy than the others... It came with a three person kid-nap, and robbery operation! Soon after I get in, one person hops in on my left, then another on my right, and I then realize that the driver isn't going where I asked... "Driver you're going the wrong way." "Tranquilo," he tells me... Relax? This is when I realize these three fuckers don't have good intentions with me.
We spent the next 45 min's driving through the ghettos, over cunning conversation, and a good game of "let's see how much stuff you guys can steal from me - please don't try to kill me!"... Oh, and we were being followed by a flat-bed filled with dudes. Then, all of a sudden, they boot me out of the car, tell me to wait there for five minutes, and then drive off... Ya, I'll wait, come back and let me know if those credit cards work! Fuck...
So I take off running... To the nearest "good looking" whatever. I find a family owned bakery, and they take me in for the next two nights while I pull my shit together... Unbelievable...One minute I'm being robbed, the next I'm being taken in by total strangers...
R.D.

TEEF

2009-02-24T22:56:00.004-06:00

First time i had my wisdom teeth pulled out of my face hole. Hopefully the last time to. Apparently they can grow back like some kind of lizard tail. Fuck that. Could you imagine if you had to have 4 teeth pulled every couple of months because they grew back. No way, not gonna happen.

I'm Beginning to Really Dislike the Drake!

2009-02-23T20:14:00.003-06:00

So I was at this party the other night. Fun time. But then all of a sudden I hear somebody say "oh have you seen the (insert gay name here) video on youtube?!"

This is when I realized the party was about to die.

Youtube is equal to guitar hero or rockband of vibe killers.. "Just watch this video of this kid who gets punched in the face it's so funny!"
No it's not.
Sure it could be alright to watch youtube videos when your at home drunk in your underwear with nothing to do but cruise the internet. But really I don't want to crowd around a fucking computer for five minutes to watch some shitty flash animation cartoon about talking dogs, when I could be drinking in the other room having actual conversations with people.

Another thing that is really pissing me off that I don't want to start another post about are the Redcoats downtown.
Driving around in their epicly gay white paddywagon. If I'm drunk waiting for a bus with my headphones in my ears, I don't want to be bugged by some douchebag on a power trip. "Where are you headed tonight sir?"
"I'm headed to Get Fucked street so leave me alone."
If I'm skateboarding down Portage, I don't want to be told to get off my board. They have no real authority to take my skateboard or anything. They can tell you to leave, but you just have to tell them to take their red golf shirt and shove it up their ass. Then you have about twenty five minutes before the real cops come.
I saw them trying to throw this native fellow in the back of their wagon because he jaywalked across Grant street tonight. Yes that's right, Grant, the street that only allows busses to go down it. If these guys are trying to "protect the streets" where were they when that kid got stabbed in the back of the neck last year, or when that other kid got shot infront of Portage Place? I can tell you where they were, they were in the Library parkade fucking eachother in the mouth.

I have no real story, point and the grammar is terrible. But I don't care right now.
But when one of these assholes bug you take his red shirt and jersey him. Like the Kenny Wu from Mighty Ducks 2.

TJ

2009-02-22T23:34:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDkx7ayfdRQ&feature=related

If you haven't seen the movie Ali G In Da House don't worry your life might be complete some day. Big ups.
T to the Bag
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9yOVjZsiOM&feature=related

Blow it out your mouth

2009-02-21T17:35:00.000-06:00

If I hear one more person comment about me smoking, I WILL put my cigarette out on their tongue. Sorry to get excited, but I’m fed up. YES I smoke, your eyes are not playing tricks on you. You don’t need to ask me if I do, after I light up a cigarette. You don’t need to tell me its bad for me, I know. I mean seriously, if I’m walking down the street smoking a cigarette and Jake Shticknisarse is walking past me I don’t need his 2 cents. I’m not an asshole about smoking. I’m not gonna come into your house, light one up and start talking about the weather. But if I do please state your opinion. However until that happens, its my body, and my choice as to what I do with it. So long as its not affecting you, don’t talk to me about it. Don’t get me wrong though I’m not trying to justify smoking, I just simply mean to say leave me alone about it. I’ll quit when I’m ready and your hurricane of smoking facts isn’t going to quicken the process.

“What? There ISN’T any vitamin C in my cigarette? Whats that? Smoking can cause CANCER!?”

texas.lee

Barack the Rock Star

2009-02-19T15:29:00.002-06:00

So i was listening to some CBC Radio (which should be mandatory for anyone with an opinion to listen to before making said opinion), and the Obama presidential visit was what was on. They were interviewing people who had come from quite a way and waited in Ottawa's cold to catch a glimpse of the president. Okay, that's cool, i get that it's history in the making and all that, but they made a point of the fact that Mr. Obama waved at the crowd. Now if you can remember the last time anybody wanted to go through all that to see a head of state (without the intention of throwing a shoe at him) you probably do so with the help of alzhiemer medication, cause that was back with JFK and Trudeau.

So to recap, hundreds if not thousands of people waited around in the cold for hours to catch a few seconds of Barack Obama, and were satisfied with a wave to the crowd. That is a rock star if i ever heard one. I can see the Obama tattoos and groupie fan clubs now.

Not anything against Obama. I for one have full confidence in him (as far as that translates in the real world), but really people, enough of the hero worship. You are the people who vote based on which party colours match your wardrobe. Leave him alone for a while and let him do his job.

Tore Up From The Floor Up

2009-02-19T13:10:00.002-06:00

I've realized that all my stories are about me getting down with women. If someone finds them offensive please feel free to comment.
Keep in mind I won't care. But if you want your word to be heard, go for it.
Anyways...
The first time I realized I had this talent was in Grade Eight. The bus I took after school was filled with older girls. I was in heaven because they would always holler at me and tell me to sit with them. But there was one girl. Her name's gonna stay Anonymous for reasons unknown. But anyways, one day she got me to sit beside her and I'm not sure why. Since she was older than me, prettier and had big breasts which me and all my friends would talk about everytime we got off the bus.

The next day at school word was flyin around that she wanted me to sit beside her every day from now on. But she wanted me to put my hand up her shirt too (no foolin' they were huge).. I still don't know what the fuck she was thinking. But that afternoon bus ride was the most memorable bus ride I have ever taken in my entire life. She had the most soft, perfectly round boobs. But that's not all... after I got off the bus, all I saw was her stand up to the window and press her bare breasts up against the glass. It looked like two really big eyeballs were just staring at me.

I have loved older women ever since and I still love taking the bus because when I sit in that back seat all I can do is smile.

-TJ

Slurpees and Hash

2009-02-18T14:47:00.002-06:00

Me and Brandon, Manitoba have a little history. Mostly because of my cousin, who is the reason i no longer wear diapers. I used to hang out with him, and because we were only about 15 and 13 respectively, we just walked around a lot, and went to rent video games, and buy slurpees, and occasionally go to his dealer friends house, so that i could put on his electric glove that he plugged into the socket and zapped stuff around the room. It was one of these time in winter, me with a cherry slurpee, and us walking around minding our own business, when an ugly puke green van turns the corner a little too sharp, slides out a little, and runs into me as i'm walking on the curb. My slurpee flies up in the air and lands on the guys windshield, and he slams on his breaks. He was freakin out, 'cause he thought the cherry slurpee was blood mixed with all the slush on his windshield, and he comes up to me lying on the ground. His side mirror was busted where i had rolled of the side. He gets out and is really panicky. He asks me if i'm okay, and i couldn't really breathe, so i just nodded. Then he asked me if i wanted some Hash. I couldn't breathe, let alone smoke, so i shook my head. My cousin, however, said yes, and the two of them sat in the back of the van while i lay on the sidewalk until i could stand up straight again. It all happened kinda fast, but you'd think he would have at least given me some money or something...cheap ass Brandon Hash Man.
n.

Cross-dresser

2009-02-16T18:43:00.003-06:00

It was grade 12. My teacher was talking about social conditioning, and was explaining to us why it is that men don't wear dresses. That it wasn't because they didn't want to, but because of social standards, conditioning, etc...
Well obviously if a dude wears a dress in public, he's going to get some strange reactions, but ultimately if one wanted to, it could be done, and that's that. I told her the reason dudes don't wear dresses isn't because of fear of societies reaction, but because we just don't want to...
So the next day I woke up and instead of putting on my "normal" clothes, I went to my sisters room and grabbed a pretty little number from her closet... I got dressed and began my walk to school wearing a black flowered dress... I was going to show my teacher how simple it really is.
While leaving the house my dad saw me, then asked me if there was something I wanted to talk about with him... The simplicity was soon disapearing.
The walk to school was no better. Full of insults, threats, "hollers," and more. The day at school was more of the same. Violent threats, curious looks, ass grabs, insults, compliments, everything one can imagine, and more... Finally I had class with the teacher, and we all had a good laugh at my little experiment... Yes, she was right. The dress was comfortable, I guess. But there's no fucking way I'm doing that again. Not worth the attention, and potentially dangerous reactions. This was the first time I publically wore womans clothing on a normal day.
R.D.

Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker

2009-02-13T16:04:00.002-06:00

I went to school with a girl. On the outside she was beautiful, red hair, legs to next week, she was put together very nicely. From what I knew she was a great person too.

One night we found ourselves in a cellar of a friends house. A legitimate cellar too, there were so many jars of pickled vegetables and canned fruits. But I digress. This girl starts to go down into my area and whatnot. I'm psyched, just as every other 17 year old boy would be. But she starts treating it like she's peeling a carrot. I was in so much pain, I couldn't take it anymore.

I told her to stop. She asked if I wanted to take it further and my obvious response was "no fucking way." Since it felt like my dick was going to fall off and into one of the jars of pickled carrots, where (i felt like) it belonged.

Maybe I should stop getting down with girls at house parties?

-TJ

Busch

2009-02-13T15:51:00.004-06:00

New Years Eve, two years ago. At the stroke of midnight I'm locked in my ex-girlfriend's friend's bathroom with my ex-girlfriend. Shit is getting sweaty. Me and this girl had not yet fooled around or anything, so it was all a new and exciting experience, like putting on a new pair of shoes. Except a wet shoe that I'm sticking my john into.

She lays on the bathroom floor and gives me the "fuckme" eyes and unzips her pants..

The first time I ever said no to sex was when I didn't see her vagina, but a big burly forest of pubic hair come popping out of this girl's pants. I swear it was right when everybody yelled out "HAPPY NEW YEAR" downstairs. I told her some story about how it would be wrong to go unprotected and I had to leave anyways.

Six days later I broke up with her.
I just couldn't deal with it.

-TJ Morand

First time I pissed on a cowboy hat.

2009-02-12T21:47:00.003-06:00

So I'm on my way to a party in Falcon Lake with a buddy of mine in the dead of winter. We left the city kinda late and due to poor road conditions and three near car accidents, we arrived kind of late. Everyone at the party is smashed and so my friend and I decide we ought to catch up. My poison? Two 2L bottles of Stone Cold beer, which I managed to destroy within 45 minutes of arrival. I only remember the first hour and a half of that night, although reports state that I was well and kicking for at least three hours. I remember almost getting into a fight with six dudes wielding baseball bats, tire irons, and other what have yous' they snatched from their cars, and hitting on my other friend's girlfriend.

I woke up the next morning feeling great, but still quite cut, in the bedroom of the girl who owned the place, with a different buddy that I had gone to school with, a girl I had gone to school with and some other people I didn't know. (it was a loft style bedroom with three beds...................) My buddy woke up about the same time I did and asked me if I had to pee? "Pee?" I asked. He said "Yeah you pissed last night, do you have to pee?" Of course I pissed last night, drunk people pee all the time I though to myself. "What do you mean I pissed last night?" I asked. "You pissed right there on the floor! and a little bit on that girl! (points to the girl we went to school with) and on some dude's cow boy hat! "Well the hat had it comming." I said "But I don't believe you for a second." Then I got up and went downstairs to a crowd of people yelling "HEY ITS PEE GUY!"

I do also remember pissing in a snow bank with a bunch of clothes in it, including a cowboy hat.

But seriously fuck guys with cowboy hats.

Texas.Lee

FIRST TIME I SAW A DANCING VAGINA

2009-02-12T16:50:00.004-06:00

I've never really been the party type. I didn't drink til I was 20, never really dated, didn't really do any kind of drugs until i was into my 20s. So I think it was when I was 19 or 20 when I went to the strip club for the first time. My friends had been regulars at this particular club. I was very reluctant to go and kept a distant mood between having a good time and the evening. Of course my friends wanted to sit "sniffers row" I was totally not into that, i was the guy on sniffers row with his arms crossed looking at a tv. literally maybe two songs in something snapped and i then looked like i had been to that bar many many times. it was like a switch happened and I went from a 'to cool for school asshole' to the penis driven male that I am. Banging on the dance floor and yelling with the best of 'em. I know doing that now isn't cool and I don't do it now but it was my first time at the strip, give me a break, vagina.

I've been there many times since then

-DF

Happy Days at the Villa

2009-02-12T02:55:00.002-06:00

if we are still on firsts, i have a happy one that i just can't keep bottled up. The first time i enjoyed going to the Villa was this night. There was this group of blonde (possibly foriegn, swedish maybe) girls just givin' 'er on the dance floor. But not like you usually see in bars, they were actually dancing because they enjoyed dancing, without pretense or subtext. It was like a family social (my family loves to dance, though admittedly not very well), not some grotesque grindfest that reeks of bullshit. It was honest it was cheerful, and it made me smile. In the Villa of all places. So heres to you, dancing blonde girls. If i ever see you again, i might ask you all to marry me.

2009-02-12T00:39:00.002-06:00

It's 12:39 and i can't sleep because I'm so amped. WHY?
I'm at the local watering hole to meet a friend for a quick drink on the way home. Go have a puff outside. have a beer. laugh. You know what a bar is like. I should mention our buddy is the bar tender. This super sketch coke head/dealer to fags comes in with a 48 year old dude to do shots. Cokey say to the bar tender that "i got your back man" so my friend who i met their jokingly pushes the bar keep. Cokey didn't like that. He pulls off his coat and starts yelling shit. Next thing i know I'm on the ground and so is my bar stool. He threatened to "skin us" and told the bar tender to watch his back, right after he said he had his back.
Don't become a Coke dealer Root Beer is much better.
T

Monster in the Basement

2009-02-11T12:29:00.005-06:00

You know when you get that feeling like there's someone/something watching you? Well I always thought I knew what that felt like, until the time came when I actually found out what it feels like...
I was in the jungles of northern Argentina set out to enjoy the sights of some kick-ass water falls shared between the jungles of northern Argentina, and southern Brazil.
A great day was had, and as it wound down, and the sun started to set, I headed back to the pick-up point. I needed to follow a set of train tracks that ran through the jungle, then turn left off the tracks, onto a path that would take me to the pick-up.
As soon as I walked left, off the tracks, something strange happened... The whole look and feel of the jungle changed... During the day the jungle was crawling with activity, alive, and randomly noisy, like a kindergarton class full of kids! But when I turned left onto this path I was struck with a feeling of intentional stillness... Something was up.... I brushed it off as silly paranoia, and continued walking. Shortly after I thought I heard the noise of foot steps off into the bush... So I stopped, and listened... But as soon as I stopped moving the noise stopped. My heart's pase spead up a bit. "Hm," I thought... "That's weird?" So I kept moving, and sure enough, I heard it again, "crunch, crunch." Almost in rythm with my footsteps. This time I knew for sure that I heard it, stopped again, and began searching in the direction of the noise to try and see the source. But, I couldn't see anything... Fuck, I'm in the jungle wearing flip-flops(bad decision from the get-go), it's dark, and I'm alone... Heart started to beat even faster, and my body was telling me to get the fuck off this narrow-ass path. But, curiosity was also telling me to move forward, and find out what was making that noise. So I kept on walking, heart beating through my chest, and sure enough I heard the noise again, "crunch, crunch." This time I was ready for it, and my gaze was set in the direction where I thought it was coming from... I stopped walking a peered into the jungle... Then, there it was. A 45 degree angle off the path, about 20 metres ahead of me. A black puma, head still, SLOWLY moving through the jungle towards the path. The presence of it, and my entire lack of experience of the situation awoke my being like a slap in the face followed by a bucket of cold water!! "Holy shit!!" Once it was confirmed that I was in fact seeing what I thought I was, and then realized that I wasn't in a fucking zoo, I slowly started walking backward for a few steps, then turned, and ran the hell outa there! You know when you were a little kid coming up the stairs from the basement, and you run up the stairs as fast as you can so the monsters don't get you? Well, that's what it felt like, but with a real monster! Longest run of my life. I finally reached the train tracks, only to hear heavy movement through the bushes behind me...I turned, ready to fuck that cat up, but luckily... for it, it ran the other way. That was the first time I saw a big cat in the wild!
R.D.

The sky is falling

2009-02-09T16:22:00.002-06:00

So this is the price i pay for living in a fixer-upper; last night i got out the pots and pans because the ceiling was leaking. no bigs, but the pinging was loud enough that i had to turn up the Kid Koala, which actually mixed with the drip rhythms. anyway, i woke up in the morning and noticed the neat little cave in that was become my new ceiling. I crawl into the attic, which involves a fair bit of acrobatics and tried to find the source. Note to self, next time bring a flashlight. When that didn't solve anything, i went to have some bagels and eggs for breakfast. Well lunch technically, but i had just woken up, so call it what you want. And as i am sitting down for a nice relaxing food-meal, a mice big chunk of the ceiling falls on me. worse things have happened, but it still ruined my bagel and eggs. And now there is a big ugly hole above the coffee table.
the end.
n.

Metal Head

2009-02-07T12:36:00.002-06:00

When do you get to that point in your life when you say to yourself, I'm not going to cut my hair and wear this leather jacket for 20 years. Maybe go to every metal show at the Zoo and get partied out. Wake up on some dudes floor beside empty Molson cans, cold pizza, and smoke butts.
Where do these people work?
T-Bag

Death

2009-02-06T13:32:00.002-06:00

We all deep down know,
that whether it's from head trauma, or old age,
the exact instant before death,
everyone has a brief moment of true, painful sadness,
when engulfed in absolute knowledge,
of the nothingness the afterlife offers.

Play it Safe

not in vain, just vain.

2009-02-05T19:54:00.012-06:00

I would like to take a moment

to thank the Winnipeg bolshevik rioters of 1919.

It is because of you that we are free,

to be slutty drunken honky tonk assholes.

legs

slitting your throat and fucking the wound.

2009-02-04T15:18:00.004-06:00

My work hired a new woman as a boss the other day. As i started checking her out, i decided that her shit was pretty tight, and fucking late night in the office after close would be excellent. Then she came to talk to me. I noticed the scar on her neck, which means she probably had thyroid cancer, and that shit is probably contagious, so count me out.

Fuck cancer.

milk?

2009-02-03T23:17:00.000-06:00

Who was the first guy to drink milk? Someone had to stick their head under a cow and giver a suckle. Maybe the wife makes some cookies. O ya it's fucking before cookies were invented. When do you decide that's a good idea? dumb ass

NUS CLOWN-Art By:Gavin Ho & Matt Stevens

2009-02-03T17:24:00.005-06:00

>>

2009-02-02T19:33:00.002-06:00

NUScollective is having a social

2009-02-02T17:49:00.003-06:00

In The Eye Of The Storm

2009-01-30T15:07:00.003-06:00

"...pornos are to jacking off, what snowboarding is to skateboarding. It's so much work. you need a mountain, snow, gloves, a bunch of gay clothes, a lift ticket, a lift, boots, a snowboard and a shit ton of drinks afterward to help you forget how gay you are for doing it in the first place. Skateboarding, you just walk out the door and hop on your board and you're good."
-Dave Carnie

The truth.

-TJ

"Weed Bra"

2009-01-28T23:42:00.003-06:00

If you stand outside portage place and randomly say "weed", "weed bro", or "need weed" fuck you. If i look right past your useless existence one day, I'm going to do it the next day to. So stop asking.

Of course i need weed, but yours is poo schwag and under weighed.

I know this is pointless because anyone reading this is to cool to do that, but you know.

MustacheRide (t)

Pissin' Me Off

2009-01-28T01:52:00.002-06:00

Among many of my firsts, the first time I pissed on somebody's face also occurred in grade twelve.

I hated this kid the minute I saw him. I swear he got drunk off three rum and cokes, then puked all over my friends bathroom. I've always had a small blatter, I don't really care. But the nearest drain where I could bleed my lizard, happened to be the toilet where his head happened to be located on top of. So I cut out the middle man and pissed on his face.

I don't regret it at all. He fucked up my homie's bathroom, so I fucked up his self esteem.

-TJ Morand.

white male sucks at life

2009-01-27T12:56:00.002-06:00

Im a white male Canadian who has lived in this beautiful country my whole life. So naturally i wanted to start my own business here, when applying for government grants the polite lady asked if i was native, black, or any other import. When i replied, "no sorry im a white male." She replied with a disapointed voice, "sorry sir all i can help you with is the young entrapeners grant."

Fucking great all i can get is $4000 back after i spend $8000!!! So basically i think its fucking stupid that because im a white male i get no help? Everyone else gets a hand out, even white women have people they can run to...Why do i get fucked in the ass? THATS IT im dying my skin a brownish colour, putting a sniper dot between my eyes and asking the government for handouts.

ohhh shit i forgot my towel.....

-D

Teach me something I want to learn

2009-01-27T11:20:00.002-06:00

In ninth grade I had this math teacher, Mme Compte. She was also my homeroom teacher. I wasn't the best at math so she offered me free tutoring sessions before school. Seeing how she was absolutely gorgeous looking, I hopped on those sessions like a priest on an altar boy. One morning I walked into her class to find her wearing the most low cut shirt any female has ever worn in history. Naturally, being a 15 year old boy with raging hormones, I couldn't look away.

While she was teaching me some algebra equation, she caught me trying to sneak a peek down her shirt. Our session was over and it was the last one. This was the day that I developped a secret fantasy for teachers

Ever since then, I've had about two good looking teachers per grade. Each one better than the last. One of my friends had an opportunity to get one of their phone numbers so she could "privately tutor him during spring break"... Being the fucking asshat that he was, he declined her offer.

I could not believe it. I was absolutely blown away and the most pissed off I have ever been in my entire life. How could somebody deny the opportunity to maybe, possibly sleep with their math teacher?

I can't really write anymore because this story just pisses me off to the fullest. I still to this day don't understand what he was thinking.

Post Script: I found out that my dad had met my Grade Nine math teacher at a bar a few years before she was teaching, he didn't say much else about it. That parent teacher conference was weird. She was eye fucking the shit out of him the whole time.

Moral of the story: My dad is a fucking cool guy and my friends are morons.

Sidewayz

2009-01-26T18:00:00.002-06:00

Reader Poll:

74% of yellow belters agree that asian females and most 50-50 oriental/white mix have sideways vaginas.

Rah Rah Rasputin

2009-01-26T02:00:00.002-06:00

Every time I get in a cab I get in the front seat. Cab drivers are the most interesting people to talk to. They all have the most fucked up stories of people shooting up in the back, fucking, doing blow off their car keys that should have gotten them home that night.

Maybe they do smell and their english isn't that good. But who the fuck cares. They're getting by from driving your stupid drunk asses home at 3 in the morning. Maybe they do get in accidents, but you would think so since they are usually up doing graveyard shifts and the average normal human being can only drive a car down the same streets for about 25 minutes without wanting to shoot themselves in the brain.
Cabbies are usually respected people in their homeland but it might be torn apart from wars, famine or just overrun with crime, so they would have to get out. I would give somebody a second chance if that was the case. I wouldn't call them a raghead. Sure their religions are fucked up and it must be hot as hell with that towel up there. But imagine if North America broke out in a civil war and you were forced to move to another continent, learn another language and deal with constant criticism from people that aren't the same color as you. I guarantee you wouldn't go straight to being what you were back home. You would be doing the bum jobs that nobody wants to do. I don't fucking care if you disagree with me on this but cab drivers deserve a little respect.

Pan said there should be responses to other posts, so there's one.

And here's another.

Sure American Apparel is the new trend and it's become the blunt object killing kid's individuality. But you were still shopping there. Don't criticize something that you're still putting your hard earned cash into. Get over fucking designer clothes and go to Zellers to buy shirts that fit like they were sewn by a four year old Vietnamese boy. Plus you could get a Big Z burger while you're there.

P.S. Oprah is tight.

-tj

2009-01-25T20:02:00.002-06:00

People love nothing more than explaining to you how Wal-mart, Mcdonalds and Halliburton are destroying the Earths culture and resources.

Just make sure to never, ever mention Apple or Ikea in the same breath as the companies mentioned earlier, because you can only hate corporations that don't make stuff you like.

legs

2009-01-24T15:09:00.002-06:00

It seems like every year drivers get worse! Whats the deal with that? Ohhhh wait i know, its the fact that the white crackers who own the driver schools were tooo fat and lazy to teach people so they hired turban head fucks who's previous jobs were to escort camels through the desart...Fuck all of you

-D

2009-01-24T14:46:00.003-06:00

I was in american apparel the other day grabbing a simple v neck. When i came out of the change room i heard the girl working snikker and say in a sarcastic bitchy way, "nice sweater and jeans combo"

I almost lost my shit and bit her head off, however i held my breath and walked away. I got outside and said to my sister did you hear that bitch in their??? Im sorry that my designer jeans and cashmere sweater are to flashy for you but seriously i have my own style!!!

Anyone who falls into the "AA UGLY DORKY KID LOOK" needs to seriously look at there life and see who they really are....stop following the latest tread and find your own style...fags

-D

2009-01-24T14:42:00.002-06:00

I was in class the other day an thought i smelt pussy, i instantly became arroused and couldn't concentrate for at least 10 minutes. God what i would give to spread open whoopie goldbergs purple handbag...

-D

ps. i put class so the audience could relate
pps. no one likes black chicks!!!

2009-01-22T23:26:00.001-06:00

This guy thinks he is a ninja

Yetti

2009-01-21T21:06:00.002-06:00

The nice thing about Canada is that we let everyone participate on Canada Day even the Yetti's.

Travis

2009-01-21T20:52:00.003-06:00

Now clearly this dude can do better than porky pig sniffing her fingers. I mean really whats with the SPOILT dog chain. Spoilt with food? Spoilt with guys that have belly button bling? Or just Spoilt as in I've sat in the sun and started to rot.

Travis

Vlad Facts

2009-01-21T17:36:00.001-06:00

1) 74% of cowboys have had homo-erotic dreams of their coworkers in the past month
2) Nigerians do not find the slang "Nigger" either offensive or racist
3) 99.7% of people with the name Cornelius have contemplated suicide
4) Salad without mayonnaise is poisonous

NUS Definitions

2009-01-21T17:30:00.002-06:00

Chunder Dick: morning dick after a night of unprotected period sex.

Chunder from Down Under: miscellaneous goop seeping from a large (probably imprisoned) native vagina

Niggasquids (nig-a-skwidz): a way to reserve a chair or position for your return; means absolutely nothing

peloquin (pell-oh-kwahn): noun - thought of as one of the best words in the modern age.
1: description of any mood one may be feeling. i.e. "Dude, I'm so fucking peloquin about the party tonight"
2: used to describe anything of monetary value. i.e. "You wanna throw down a fiver on a peloquin?"
3: a term of endearment. i.e. "The girl looked absolutely peloquin this evening"
4: used as an attention grabber when an overly attractive, underage member of the opposite sex is in the vicinity. i.e. "Peloquin!"

A Short story

2009-01-20T11:07:00.003-06:00

Once upon a time there was a guy that wished for the Midas Touch but, because he was borderline illiterate and kind of a douche, misunderstood the instructions and instead of turning things to gold, everything he touched turned to shit. It was a big stinky mess.

Moral: thank god G.W. is out

THE END

n.

Drive-thru math

2009-01-20T10:57:00.003-06:00

Normally i feel for people who have to work in retail or customer service. Their jobs usually suck and don't pay well, and they have to put up with dicks all day. But there is a line. Example: at a McDee's drive through a while ago. My order comes to $10.31. No problems yet, but i hate change (what am i gonna use a penny for except drinking games and testing the electrical?) So i give the girl at the window $20.31, so as to recieve a $10 bill in return. Simple, right? Imagine my shock when i get a handful of change back. Not that they had run out of bills, just that the girl couldn't do basic math. She gives me back the change i gave her, and the rest of the fucking change too. I wanted to throw the change in her face, but instead i'm going to devote my life to tracking down the morons who let this kind of kid get this far in life without developing in her this basic life skill. She will never learn to do her taxes, or be able to compete on are you smarter than a 5th grader (even my 7 year old brother in the car could figure it out.) I'm going to Bitchslap every math teacher she ever had, and probably her parents too.
n.

the first time a girl bled on me.

2009-01-20T01:53:00.002-06:00

I’ve always loved having my cock sucked. There is nothing cooler than looking down at the piece you use to piss being sucked on as if it were giving out eternal life if you tickled it properly. And occasionally, you find people who are kind of good at it.

On rare occasions, I’ve had the misfortune of coming across women who tend to have a little self respect, and than means they usually want something in return. I should have stayed the fuck away from this one already.

This woman lived with her parents, and this meant i would occasionally sleep over when they went out of town. On one of these occasions, after fucking her with some dangerous whiskey dick, i passed out on her floor instead of next to her in bed. I didn't even get sucked off. The next morning when she woke up she joined me in the shower before heading to work, still without sucking my dick, but leaving me the keys to her place. I was set. Her parents were out of town, the fridge was stacked, and she had good television. I spent the afternoon masturbating on her couch and eating microwave-burritos, waiting for her to get home.

She walks in the door, and she’s already down. But this woman’s different. She’s the kind who needs to be coaxed into the cock, especially when its about to fuck her mouth. I decide the best way to do this is going down on her. As per usual, it doesn’t taste good, doesn’t smell good, and makes fucked up noises.

I still want my dick sucked.

I continue my work downstairs.

With two fingers deep inside her, I hear the crowd cheer as I score my hole in one. Knowing that this must mean I’m going to bust on this girls face, I remove my hand from the box.

Jesus.

Fucking.

Christ.

I don’t know what to do. I look her dead in the eyes and she breaks into tears, pulls up her pants, and runs away to lock herself in the bedroom.

There is a crying girl locked in her bedroom. I’m alone, left with her blood on my hands.

I never did get that blow job. And I hate eating pussy.

--eazy A.

Heavy D's Got the Wig Out

2009-01-20T00:11:00.003-06:00

I grew up in Elmwood. Hip hop was played on the regular by natives who sat on their stoops with Biggie, Mobb Deep, Lost Boyz and Das EFX playing out of their ghettoblasters. Fortunately, I was the only white nine year old within a thirteen block radius so I got to hang out with them on the stoops and on occasion borrow their CD's and tapes.

Then one time someone borrowed me Heavy D and the Boyz album "Blue Funk". I was blown away. I hadn't heard anything like it. I bugged right the fuck out. The smooth jazzy beats mixed with Heavy D's deep intoxicating voice to this day, blow me away. In all honesty, anything Heavy D has done is exceptional, but "Blue Funk" is by far my favorite. When you have free time, throw in this album, sit back and light up a nice spliff. I guarantee you will have the best high of your life. Unless you do heroine. Which is almost as cool, if not cooler.

Heavy D and The Boyz:

5 Stars

Heroine:

Twice as many stars than the tracks on your arms

-TJ

The Empyrean

2009-01-19T06:25:00.004-06:00

Defined as "The highest reaches of heaven, believed by the ancients to be a realm of pure fire or light." and " The abode of God and the angels; paradise. ", the word empyrean only seems suiting when used as the title for John Frusciante's 10th solo album.

Best known for his stunning guitar skills displayed on many of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' masterpieces, John also has an amazing solo career. While John is known for shredding guitar, he gets help from his close friends for the recording of bass and drum, namely his band mate Flea and close friend Josh Klinghoffer... oh, and Johnny Marr. Jesus

January 20th 2009; not only the American presidential inauguration day, but also the day that John Frusciante releases one of the better albums to ever be recorded.

Now, I may or may not have come across a leaked version on the internet.

This album may or may not be one of the better collection of sounds my ears have been graced with.

Anyone who is the slightest bit interested should most definitely look into the above mentioned album and most other John Frusciante albums (mainly To Record Only Water for Ten Days).

wikipedia page

Megatron

2009-01-17T16:42:00.003-06:00

There is no way that Megatron should turn into a gun. Besides all the size change that needs to happen, Megatron, you already have a giant gun on your arm, as do most of you henchmen, there is really no need to transform, let alone get wielded by an inferior. I'm beginning to see Starscream's frustrations. For those of you that say it's just a show, shut up. The Transformers are real. It's science. I know i'm not alone on this.

Roommates

2009-01-16T13:16:00.003-06:00

I once lived with this guy who liked to party. Not so much party as got partied on. And probably wouldn't have liked it if he wasn't all the way through a 40 pounder of whiskey before supper. This roommates went over to his brothers one day, and cause neither had jobs, they decided to do blow. My roommate passed out in a chair, and his brother pulled his pants off and magic markered his balls green.
"Fucked some dirty chicks, and he got green balls!" said his brother, and everyone had a good laugh. For the encore, his brother pulled out the wet/dry vac and stuck it on his cock, power on full. Now the guy was passed out, and he probably thought he was getting a hummer. I think he called the vacuum 'Stacey' at one point. He was left in the room by himself for a while with the vacuum on. At least there was no mess.
This guy has since cleaned up his life, and is a functional member of society. which just goes to show you...its okay to get jerked off by appliances.
n.

I eat pies like you for brunch

2009-01-13T17:22:00.003-06:00

you've all heard the joke before... y'know, where the two pies are chillin on the window sill and one pie says to the other " damn, it's cold out here, I wish I was back in the oven ". Then the other pie responds with a " HOLY FUCK A TALKING PIE"...

I would like to go ahead and blow the cover off this joke. This joke is straight bullshit. Firstly, pies can't talk, and second, if the pie is talking why is he so surprised that the other pie can talk as well?

garbage

Howie's Prime Time

2009-01-13T11:52:00.000-06:00

Comic Relief Skit

Ruderunner

2009-01-13T11:45:00.001-06:00

So basically there was this kid, let's call him Melvin, who could run faster than any of the other kids, and they all used to envy him. He became a rude, self centered jerk with all the popularity he was gaining from his running ability. Any of the other kids that challenged him to a running contest would always lose. Melvin would just point and laugh at their attempts.

But then one day a new kid came to school and everyone noticed that he had the potential of running faster than Melvin. So they had a race.

The new kid's acceleration wasn't as strong as Melvin's. But he had more medium speed. The new kid was catching up. But Melvin noticed and pushed it to the limit. And he burst through the finish line faster than he ever had. So fast he couldn't slow down before the intersection ahead of him. Then there was a screech, but it was too late, the car plowed through Melvin's body and he died.

Moral of the story, don't be rude. Ever. You don't know when you're going to die.

Flave Save

He's Got Soul.

2009-01-12T18:41:00.003-06:00

I hate Deal Or No Deal. Not only because all you do is pick suitcases. But because Howie Mandel has a disgusting greasy Soul Patch. He should buzz that thing off, or atleast wear a shirt that says "My soul patch is the cushion for your big juicy balls"

News about Whales

2009-01-12T17:07:00.002-06:00

Whales have their own sports club, the nice uniforms and a website, and are picking Missouri over Northwestern and cover the spread. Whales are stupid.

rubber ducks

2009-01-12T17:04:00.002-06:00

yes, that and your googly eyes... maybe your large hair as well

2009-01-11T19:48:00.001-06:00

Some things i would like to see in the new year:

1. A Black man square dancing.

2. A newspaper headline that reads "Everything A-Okay".

3. Some people gang beating a Pinata in a parking lot.

New Music

2009-01-10T18:35:00.003-06:00

I thought this collective could be a good way for people to hear some music they might not come across

So cruisin the youtube I found this gem, old made to look new

Patti Smith - Smells Like Teen Spirit. click here

I know you think the song has beat with the same bat we beat Nickleback with, but give it a listen.

Very good use of instruments.

2009-01-09T13:57:00.002-06:00

When i was like four or so, my dad would have friends after i went to sleep. I used to sneak down the stairs and listen to them until my dad found me, and brought me into the living room. I would hang out and think i was pretty cool shit, and finish off all the bottoms of all the beers until i was tired enough to go back to sleep. My first full sentence was "give me a beer", and this practice probably had something to do with that.

Steve Holt!

2009-01-09T01:09:00.003-06:00

Fuck high school. Other than the partying and the daily fantasy of sleeping with your beautiful French teacher, what was good about it?

I hated 80 percent of the people in my school. It was full of fucking jackasses. Like the socially retarded kids who were like really bad actors, always trying to impress people with their bad jokes and obnoxiously loud voice. The foreign exchange kids who didn't understand anything you said, but somehow excelled in all of their classes while keeping a steady job as a drug dealer. Or the jocks, how could I forget the jocks. At this school, all of the more popular jocks weren't the football players or basketball players. They played volleyball. What a fucking joke of a sport. The only entertaining part of it was when a player would jump too high and then fall on his ankle and break it. Or when someone on the other team would spike a ball into someone's face, shattering their nose on impact. They thought these injuries qualified them to complain, miss class and act above everyone else. Get over yourselves, pick up a football and take a hit like a fucking man. Then maybe I could respect you.

-Turbo Jones

My First Band

2009-01-09T00:09:00.002-06:00

I knew these three guys in high school who decided to make it their mission to get famous via the music scene. I happened to be sitting next to them in one of those bummer computer classes you had to go through; (You remember, the ones that were so goddamn boring/confusing that you ended up saying fuck it, and hit up one of those online game sites every class.) when they asked me if I played any instruments. I ignored their question and instead asked them what they were looking for. Bass was on the menu, and so it went that I spent the following summer working my ass off to buy this beautiful , shiny, red, bass guitar. I joined their band, we all became best friends, started playing a lot of gigs, took some promo pics, and were well on our way to being rock stars. (Hey, this seemed like a real opportunity to me…. And yes I was a naive teenager.)

It came time that we wanted to put out a demo to showcase our awesomeness and decided to record it in some sketchy dude’s house. I went in and did my tracks, which as it happened, needed some editing , but the sketchy man assured me it could be done. Feeling fine and swell I called up our lead guitarist/front man/supreme dictator of the band, and told him I had finished my tracks. He was pleased. He was pleased until he listened to them, and how the sketchy man told HIM it COULDN’T be done. He called me, so I tried to explain to him what the sketchy man told me about how he could fix the tracks, but then he started yelling at me in German. He yelled and yelled, then stopped only to check on something that was burning in his oven, then came back and yelled some more. When he calmed down he told me how he noticed that I was never in time and how my notes were sloppy. He said he’d give me a week to practice so I could try recording again, but if it wasn’t better I was out of the band. I’d been in this band for nearly three years by this point, and he decided that then was a good time to tell me I didn’t know how to play bass. “Well thanks for telling me NOW you fucker!” I thought to myself. (I didn’t say it to him, cause, you know… I didn’t really want to find out what he would burn in his oven.)

A week passed, and I tried again. I saw the Fuher at our next band practice. He still wasn’t pleased. The three of them proceeded to explain to me just how bad I actually was at playing bass and decided then and there to give me the boot. It all seemed like bullshit to me. Yeah I wasn’t a magical bass player, but maybe if someone would have told me that in the second chorus, on song three, where the drummer goes *badat daaaaa* is when I was supposed to start my slide, we wouldn’t have been in that fucking mess in the first place! I still blame the sketchy man. Or maybe the real reason was because I happened to have made out with the girl that the Fuher had a crush on, or maybe it was because I didn’t always refer to the Fuher as Mein Fuher! Or maybe it was because I really didn’t practice playing that pretty bass of mine and really didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on. It’s still hard to say……

Texas Lee